Why would you do it if it hurts?

I’ve written about my spunky daughter before – a recently-turned 9 year old who is always questioning the status quo (see her thoughts on gay marriage and the priesthood). Here’s yet another post inspired by her inquisition.

I was plucking my eyebrows one morning last fall when she walked into the bathroom. “Mom, does that hurt?” she asked with big eyes. I hesitated as I thought about whether it was hurting, “Um, I guess it’s not comfortable. The first time I did it, it definitely hurt, but now it doesn’t hurt too bad.” 

She looked at me incredulously, “Why would you do it if it hurts?” 

I paused to think. Why was I doing this? The first time I did it I was a teenager who wanted to fit in better in a world dictated by patriarchal standards of beauty. I never would have verbalized things that way. Instead, I probably just said, “I want to look nicer.” It hurt a lot back then, but I decided it was worth it. The more I did it, the less I noticed the pain. It’s now been 20 years and I barely wince. 

Clearly, if no one else was plucking their eyebrows, I wouldn’t have been plucking mine nor would I have thought it was prettier to do so. But under the social structure I was raised in, plucking my eyebrows made sense and I didn’t think to question it. 

My daughter, on the other hand, is growing up in a world where people are questioning patriarchal norms in places as diverse as pop-culture or political arenas or church. She doesn’t accept standardized patriarchal norms of beauty (that hurt!) as common sense. Instead, she would need a legitimate and concrete reason to do something. And “thousands of years of male patriarchy” as a reason probably won’t hack it for her.

Since my conversation with my daughter, I’ve been questioning more things about my decisions. While plucking my eyebrows is a pretty minor pain, there are other pains (caused by my patriarchal notion of femininity) that have cut deeper in my life that have taken longer to get over (or that I’m still getting over). One quick example from my past regarding my career:

Career: Though I’m at a point now (age 35) where I feel happy in my career, things felt a lot different in my twenties. I did a lot of part time work making very little money. I feared having blank years on my resume, but I also feared the toll it would be on my family if I worked too much. I was stuck in a limbo where nothing felt right and I experienced emotional pain. Luckily I had the support from my family and the resources available to change things for the better and build a career and a family life that was more true to myself than what I’d learned in Young Women’s. But it was a lot of pain to endure and then more pain to figure out how to change. 

There are other things I’ve experienced and continue to experience that feel a little too close to my heart to want to go into detail on here and be that vulnerable with people I don’t know on the internet. But the pain is real. I’ve experienced it. You’ve experienced it. What do you do because of patriarchal pressure that hurts? What do you wish you could change? What have you changed on a personal level or in your own community/ward/neighborhood? What changes do you see being made around you? How can we change things for our daughters?